Archives for March 2016

My (possibly unreasonable) fear list.

Recently, a good friend of mine and I escaped for late night lattes and got to talking about fears. She also insisted that I write all of mine down, because she’s just as visual as me, and one in particular freaked her out so badly that she wanted to know the rest. So here’s to you, Kathy! I’m not going to give you the generic fear list that that comes along with having babies, the one that’s packaged up and handed to you at the same time with mommy guilt, but just a surface list of semi-shallow ones. In no particular order, here they are! Drumroll……

Spiders – WHY anything needs 8 legs is beyond me, but it horrifies me. If they jump, all the worse. I’ve bolted out of rooms because of them and refused to come back in until I saw the body. AS IF I’d kill it myself. It may jump ON me, no. No….ugh I’m crawly now. Ask #theman (yes I just did that) about the day I saw what looked like a small pet peeking out from under the washing machine. Instinct took over. Basically, I round-housed the machine, Van Damme style. Like that would do anything. No luck. The machine had to be moved (again, #theman), the area cleared. NO spider or spider body was found. I did laundry in rain boots for months. “They’re more scared of you than you are of them.” (BS, Mom…BS!)

Extreme Heights – Hey, tight rope walkers in between buildings…whhhhhyyyy? To each his or her own, but, really…heights even in movies make my palms sweat. You won’t find this girl skydiving, but I’m working on this part of the list. Maybe forcing myself into something semi de-sensitizing. That’s either gonna do the trick or make this so, so much worse. More on that later. Either way, it will be well documented. Stay tuned.

The Lurker – AKA pulling back the curtains and just seeing breath on the window – Kathy, this one’s for you. Let me set this one up for ya’ll. Picture it + tremble: Maybe the living room window is open just a ‘lil bit. You hear rustling. A light, cool breeze moves the curtain. Let’s make it fall, so you hear crunched leaves outside. You’re semi-suspicious, and get up the nerve to pull that curtain back, aaaand you see nothing. Nothing but where someone or SOMETHING was just breathing on the glass. I think someone vs something is scarier, so let’s just leave it there. You’re welcome.

Machines posing as humans – Ok, just no. If you’re a child of the 80’s, you know exactly how seeing the unnatural red glow of Terminator’s eye for the first time made you feel. I’m still that child when it comes to this, and the moment when the Terminator rose up from the fire is burned.into.my.mind. “Come with me if you want to live.” Thanks, no. I’ll stay right here in 1988 under my covers, paralyzed with fear, gripping my charm necklace, stuffed unicorn + humming a Tiffany song.

Machines taking over – It’s just a matter of time. See above. ^^^ I’ll be in the “humans-only” refugee camp, possibly running it, probably being starved out by faster, smarter and more-ruthless-than-humans machines. Hopefully they won’t delete all my blog posts.

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^^^That’s what they think of my list.